In a stunning policy change after a series of strained negotiations, Lucifer Morningstar, God’s former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, who left the administration in disgust and the current Lord of Hell says the Abyss will no longer honor a millennia-long treaty.
“Since the Great War, Hell has opened its doors to all the rejected and downtrodden,” said Morningstar “But Heaven’s ever more capricious Director of Homeland Security Peter keeps rejecting more and more applicants every day. We just can’t process this flood across our borders fast enough. To be honest, my sources tell me they haven’t actually accepted an amnesty application up there since the fall of the Burgundy in 534,” he sighed. “Man, the Dark Ages were a mess.”
Several ambassadors of Hell have used increasingly frustrated rhetoric about the border crisis, accusing Celestial City of demonstrating a cruel and cynical lack of compassion for refugees.
“It’s like Eagleton and Pawnee in Parks and Rec,” said Prince Asmodeus in a recent interview. “They’re worried about their property values and don’t want —their words not mine — ‘the wrong kind of people’ living there. It’s disgusting and shameful.”
A statement from the offices of St. Peter says the written standards for entry through the pearly gates have not changed and their offices process every application by the strict letter of the law. But questions continue to be raised as unofficial surrogates for the administration from The Elysian Fields have continued to ratchet up tensions with their “Keep Heaven Pure” media campaign.
This leads many to believe that Yahweh has adopted a campaign of shadow isolationism, whereby the border is technically open, but the rules are interpreted in such a way that souls can essentially be denied for any reason. The recently turned away soul Frank Mendacity says justifications for rejection include just about anything.
“Like, I was told that my application was denied for what amounts to suspicion of thought crime. So basically if they don’t want to let you in, they’ll find a reason.”
As of press time God has not responded to requests for comment.
*This was a guest post by Jack Matirko.
